she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
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It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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