is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
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You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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