We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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