Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
