i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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