I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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