I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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