he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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