Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
