that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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