For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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