this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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