Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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