Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
