I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
