Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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