The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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