Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
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I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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