I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
