i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
