So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
