I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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