whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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