I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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