So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
