it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
