she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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