I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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