I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Even the bartender felt bad for me
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
