I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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