hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
