Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
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Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.