How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Found the puke drawer
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
