honey bunches of taint.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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