Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
