we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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