My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
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You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You ate ashes out of my bong
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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