i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
