You're my little dorito
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
