I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
