The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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