but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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