My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
