she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
