U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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