Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
