my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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