she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
