I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
