You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
