he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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