I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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