is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Every concussion has its silver lining
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
