The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
