I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
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