On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
